Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
