hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
