I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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