Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
