Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
