I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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