Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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