sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
