i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
