Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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