I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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