3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I would fuck him just for his dog
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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