They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
