did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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