Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
