i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
