Old men and throwing up are my life now.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
