Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
