My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
