I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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