he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
