I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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