they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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