Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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