dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Randomize
