So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
