Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
