He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Drunk is a universal language darling
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
