So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
