If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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