3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
