Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
