Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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