We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
