This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just pee around me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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