So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
