gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
