I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
