At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I don't deserve a penis
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
