My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize