Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Drunk is not a location!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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