before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
