Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
