Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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