i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
