i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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