She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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