Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
