Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Rumble strips road head = magical
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
