I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
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