I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
