I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
