thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
