Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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