I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
