i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
