I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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