i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
