I'm going to rape someone's good day.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
