The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
