It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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