remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
