dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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