I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
did you just send me my own nude
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
