you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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