Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She even gives head with a lisp.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
